Dear Dad,

I'm about to go to breakfast with you to discuss an email that I don't want to discuss.  To discuss a problem that mom has taken precautions to keep me out of.  Precautions to make sure that I don't worry or stress more than I do about her and everything else for that matter.

But, to make yourself look like the good guy, you sent me the email between you two discussing money for my education.  Discussing money that isn't there on either side.

You start off the email saying you love your children more than life itself.

I've never doubted it Dad.  Even when people tell me that I should, that, though they know you love me, you sure don't know how to show it. I do love you Dad.  Through all the shit you've put us through that I, until now, have been hearing second had.  That is the reason you wanted this email to get directly to me. So that I wouldn't hear this all through a "filter."

This email made me feel worse than if I had heard it through a filter.  I didn't know that I cause so much stress on your life.  That in being born, you lost your relationship with your father because you failed to pay for things that were your responsibility.  I'm sorry that child support was so hard for you to get.  That's probably why it was always late.  Why mon would be chewing her nails waiting so that she could afford to keep a roof over my head.

But I digress, it was difficult.  Money is always a difficult commodity to come by, believe me-- I know.  I've always known how hard it was for mom--I've been (un)intentionally guilted into knowing for a long time.  I've never doubted it, especially now that I'm on my own and trying to make it. Moving from job to job isn't easy, but it's about the money.

But how do you think it looks to your daughter when you frivilously by new "toys?" A grand piano here, right about the time that her mother is scraping to let her follow her dream that she will never succeed at. As she watches her mother crawl on her knees to your brother begging for the money.  A new car, as she hears her mom trying to find money for braces, again.

I didn't want this email.  I didn't want to be put in the middle, much less did I want my brother to be put in the middle. But him, being the only sane part of this family is in the middle and is willing to ruin a relationship that has taken him so long to build back up for my sake.

I didn't want to be a hassle Dad.  I didn't want all of this to blow up the way it did.

Don't blame mom, she's trying the best she is.  She has a grudge against you, but can you blame her? After 20 years then you leave her?

After everything you did to her though, she did her best to keep her mouth quiet about you.

Your brother is to blame for your parents thinking you were "dead beat."  He is the busy little bee that buzzed in their ears before they died.  He took the family and strung them along the way he wanted. He always has and always will.  You wanna know the reason why I hate him? Why I have no respect for him? It's because he doesn't deserve it.  I will not play into his game... I won't beg.

I'm not even hurt anymore--I don't even care because, like always, I talked to you and can't stay angry at you.

Dear Mom,

I love you, but stop the guilt. That's all I ask.